Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Drugged Ramblings

Okay, I must confess, I'm totally drugged. I wish you could have seen me Monday morning. I looked like Igor. My eye was completely swollen shut with poison ivy. I am now convinced that I don't have to even touch the stuff to get it.

Well, as you know, I'm pregnant. I did everything in my small, minute power not to have to take steroids. They make me crazy. They make me nutty! Did I say, I'm not at all normal on them. I don't sleep, I talk at a much faster rate than normal(which, I might add is fast), and my already somewhat intense personality gets shoved into overdrive.

You guessed it. I'm on them. Now I'm up, not sleeping, messing with this blog and going absolutely nutty! I want to sleep, I want to solve the many problems that keep repeating themselves through my head.

Here are the things I don't have figured out(sometimes lists help):

What is going to happen after the elections?
Should I be worried?
Why are people I know, respect and admire stockpiling food?
Should I?
Why do things seem so slow and difficult for me lately?
Am I getting older? Is that what this is about?
Is my daughter learning anything?
Is farm life really the Utopia I make it out to be?
Will I ever meet Wendall Berry?
Did I spell Wendell wrong?
What will my kids grow up to be?
Will they love Jesus?
Will they have soft, kind hearts?
Will I live closely to them?
Will I be an involved grandparent?
Will my kids grandparents ever really know my children?
Should I not have eaten that sushi?

Oh, I have so many things floating through this head of mine. And now it's just going at a speed that makes me feel unraveled and unnerved. Thanks steroids.

This is my last thought. All this debt. All this foolish debt. I want to stand up and say... Yes, I too am an idiot that spent more than I should have. That paid for the first year of seminary in a way I still regret and feel as though we will never be out from under. The weight is mine/ours to carry. Lord, I repent. I have been foolish. Help me to stop. Is the government to blame? Why can't we take responsibility? Please don't fix it. I need to fix me. If you can't afford a house. Don't buy it. If you can't afford new books to homeschool...don't justify it. Just work on being nicer to the library people that don't like you, because you actually like to check out books. Stop calling them bad names in your mind.

Oh my, so sorry prized blog reader. It's a drug issue. I wanted you to see inside my head. Pray for Jason!

1 comment:

Kathy Eller said...

Sorry about the poison ivy :( I wonder if it is worse BECAUSE you are pregnant ??? I cant fight ANYthing off while pregnant. Pierced my ear and it woudl NOT heel--Hope you get some sleep :) I think its funny inside your head :) I ahve many of the same thoughts but they are MUCH funnier when YOU rattle them off :)

You're a fast talker too huh? I really thought it was just a youth thing and here I am now, closer to 40 than 30 and no slower....I wish it were cool on me like it is on Loralie Gilmore :)

A place to find encouragement to love your little ones, your husbands and those you come in contact with daily. Two does not have to be terrible. These are years to grow not simply get through!