Monday, August 4, 2008

Hidden Mom Fears

Remember when you brought your first baby home? Remember the constant checking...just to make sure they were still breathing? I worried over every bite and felt certain that everything in site was a choking hazard. I couldn't understand how I could be trusted to take care of this little life.

Three children later, the voices of worry have quieted but certainly not silenced themselves. My sweet face #3 has caused me some sleepless nights. Today I am going back to the doctor with him as I fear he has another ear infection. He never shows any typical signs of ear infection...high fever, pulling at ear, tearfulness. No, all I ever get from him is waking up a few times in the night. Well, we had another night like that last night. But what worries me most is that he's not talking.

I know we aren't supposed to compare, but my girls were such chatter boxes by his age. I know he understands what I'm saying because he can perform several tasks I ask him to do, but he won't talk. He simply grunts and smiles. What has me the most worried is that he has stopped saying the few words he did say last month. So, my mom worry is at it's peak. I'm hoping for a referral to an ENT today..... I'm selfish, I want to hear what his sweet voice has to say, and I want him to tell me when he's in pain. I'm even more selfish, I don't want to worry.

So, here is my last question to myself. What do I really believe? Do I believe the promises of the Lord. When I was pregnant with Lake a woman in our church came up to me and said she hoped not for a boy or a girl for me, but for a healthy baby. I remember saying to her, even unhealthy, so long as we are dependant on the grace of the Lord would be fine with us. Did I mean it? She is a woman who has cared for her daughter for more than 40 years with epilepsy she contracted from a vaccine. Have you ever met someone so refined by suffering that you almost feel jealous of the grace and love that they understand in ways you never will? This woman has a softness that I desire in my own life, but do I really?

So, do I avoid trials? Certainly. Do I want more of the Lord? Yes. Is worry a sin.....? Well, I'm still in process. He isn't finished with me yet.


KathyEller said...

Oh Kara-

A sick child and unanswered questions about a child are teh HARDEST thing on a mom's heart. I am so sorry. I agree that you should pursue this and find out what is wrong and look into his speech...BUT I know many grown men who don't use many of the words they know and grunt most of the time. Boys really are different. Hopefully Lake just hasnt felt like talking while he's been not feeling well :)
I am praying for answers.


gbmom2407 said...

Hello, having no idea how old your son is I will tell you my experience(s). My oldest (son), now 7.5 talked at 12months. My second (son) now 5.75 did not babble, grunt, talk, NOTHING. I can remember at his two year old well check the dr asked me how many words he uses I said none... second child, oldest speaks for him... at any rate he started therapy at age two and continues to this day (formally diagnosed a year and two months ago with speech apraxia). My third son (turns 3 next week) started talking about 21months (when you don't hear anything out of one, the next one just amazes you). Now our last one (girl 20months) has been talking since 10 months (shouting "hi Dad" everytime he came into the house). She now says, please, thank you, good job, hi, yes, no.
My advice to you, if you are concerned have him evaluated (the local birth to three program can do that but it requires a doctors recomendation). If he has babbled and blown bubbles and makes noise, I would take a deep breath and see what comes of it. Can you get him to mimic you? (that is ofcourse he is not older than 2, then like I said, I would tell them that you want him to be evaled.)
Sorry so long.
Happy day.

Mother of Many said...

That is very helpful. He's 2 in November. I am going to an audioologist to check his hearing.

A place to find encouragement to love your little ones, your husbands and those you come in contact with daily. Two does not have to be terrible. These are years to grow not simply get through!