Remember when you brought your first baby home? Remember the constant checking...just to make sure they were still breathing? I worried over every bite and felt certain that everything in site was a choking hazard. I couldn't understand how I could be trusted to take care of this little life.
Three children later, the voices of worry have quieted but certainly not silenced themselves. My sweet face #3 has caused me some sleepless nights. Today I am going back to the doctor with him as I fear he has another ear infection. He never shows any typical signs of ear infection...high fever, pulling at ear, tearfulness. No, all I ever get from him is waking up a few times in the night. Well, we had another night like that last night. But what worries me most is that he's not talking.
I know we aren't supposed to compare, but my girls were such chatter boxes by his age. I know he understands what I'm saying because he can perform several tasks I ask him to do, but he won't talk. He simply grunts and smiles. What has me the most worried is that he has stopped saying the few words he did say last month. So, my mom worry is at it's peak. I'm hoping for a referral to an ENT today..... I'm selfish, I want to hear what his sweet voice has to say, and I want him to tell me when he's in pain. I'm even more selfish, I don't want to worry.
So, here is my last question to myself. What do I really believe? Do I believe the promises of the Lord. When I was pregnant with Lake a woman in our church came up to me and said she hoped not for a boy or a girl for me, but for a healthy baby. I remember saying to her, even unhealthy, so long as we are dependant on the grace of the Lord would be fine with us. Did I mean it? She is a woman who has cared for her daughter for more than 40 years with epilepsy she contracted from a vaccine. Have you ever met someone so refined by suffering that you almost feel jealous of the grace and love that they understand in ways you never will? This woman has a softness that I desire in my own life, but do I really?
So, do I avoid trials? Certainly. Do I want more of the Lord? Yes. Is worry a sin.....? Well, I'm still in process. He isn't finished with me yet.