Treasured

Last night I snuck out to get a few provisions to make a friend a meal. As I was walking through the store, I saw the most beautiful sight. I saw this big huge guy carrying this little baby girl. It wasn't even so much that he was carrying a baby, but how he was carrying her. It was clear the daddy treasured his baby girl. The little girl, all decked out in pink, was sitting in the palm of his hands facing out in a sitting position.

Next to the proud father was an equally proud mama. Their love for their baby was delicious. I felt like a stalker. It seemed that everyone knew them, or maybe it was just that they introduced their baby to everyone. Their was something in that daddy that just melted my heart. His tenderness and pride made him seem seven feet tall to me. I couldn't stop staring. I couldn't stop following them.

I sometimes see pictures like this and feel sad, but last night I felt so grateful. Though I may long for a nearer relationship of tenderness, kindness and love to my father; I have a Father in heaven that certainly does. He walks with me in the palm of His hand, and with great pride says, "she's mine."

It's a good place to be, in the palm of my Fathers hand. May I rest secure there, just as secure as that sweet baby in pink rested. She sat tall in the hands of her father. She knew she could trust him. Why spend a wasted moment in worry when such a good Daddy has me so near to His heart?

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, Excerpt

I just read this chapter to this beautiful book. Not only does Ann write beautifully, she writes very honestly. I cried through most of this chapter, and yet felt so thankful for her story and perspective. Take the time... You won't regret it!

Ambition

Today was the best day ever! Fire, bike riding and pb&j! We soaked up some much needed vitamin D! We played, I read my Bible, the girls played house in the backyard. It was fantastic.

At one point I looked over at my son. He walked up to a huge oak tree and wrapped his arms around it. I could tell he was considering how to climb the tree. It is a huge one, and it's lowest limbs were way out of reach. But the ambition and ability to think he could do it was a sight to see. I wish I had such gumption. Every time I face any kind of trial, I back down, melt down, struggle and fret. I have lost some of what was once fearless in me. Seeing his little arms wrapped around that tree, I realized something about age has been lost on me. I was once invincible. Maybe someday I will be again.

Helpless in Loving

There are moments in life where praying feels like such a comfort, but I struggle with thinking it's enough at times. I just had a call from a family member to tell me of a close family member that has been admitted to the hospital.

I love prayer, I believe in it, and depend deeply on it, but right now, I'm struggling wanting more. I want to be close enough to run up to the hospital, which is, oh, a quick eight hours away. Ugh. I love prayer, but I want prayer and a chat with the on-call doctor and to look in the eyes of the one I love.

I love prayer, I love it, but I tend to be so much more a doer in my faith. This is a great muscle for me to flex, but my love in action is struggling with wanting to load up my car.

Please pray with me, someone I love is in the hospital with heart pain.

Character

On my way to pick up the girls from school, I listened to the entire "I Have a Dream" speech by Martin Luther King on NPR. By the time I made it to the school, I was a weeping mess. The words were cutting, true, and in so many ways, he speaks of realities and dreams that are unmet.

When it came to the part where he talks about the dreams for his four little children to be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin, I just hurt, grieved, and longed for that dream for my children.

But as I mopped today, I realized, I don't live that way. I was mopping, thinking, I'm a good wife when I mop. Cleaning a toilette, and thinking somehow I have done well. But what of my character? Do I judge myself by the content of my character or do I look at arbitrary outward acts to find meaning?

How to I speak such a truth into the life of a small child? How do I develop character of behaviour? How do I champion integrity over performance? How do I encourage real depth of character over being seen as having character? Authentic living, it's hard. It's harder than having clean floors. For me it is anyway.

Library

I must confess, I have a love hate relationship with our library. Seriously, maybe even a hate hate relationship with it. But I have to include love, because I LOVE books. So it's a building full of the things I most love in this world, but have serious angst when entering it.

This story starts a long way back, in way way back time. It seemed to me that the people of this place had no interest in sharing their books. They dissappointed me when I moved to town and they didn't have every Pulitzer winning book. My snobbery knew no bounds. Seriously, a friend of mine and I were working our way through the list in my previous town.. Ended that endeavor.

It seemed that they didn't get the momentous occasion of my daughter being old enough for a library card. Like it was just boring old business. No matter, I have more energy for enthusiam than a theme park.

I always thought myself very generous in accruing late fees to add to their coffers. They didn't see it that way. I didn't much like them; they didn't much like me.

Until recently, they went and hired on a person who is friendly and patient. She knows my children by name and commpliments my book basket every time I go. She even reads the books and shares her favorite titles with me. She smiles. She sees me in the grocery store and speaks to me. So my hate/ hate problem is simply that. My problem. Because right now, I have a great book, a hot cup of tea, two children napping, and don't judge me, chili cheese fritos. Crazy combo, but I'm so happy.

So library people that don't like me much, I forgive you. I'll forgive you even more if this book turns out to be as good as it seems. I may even pay you a visit again real soon. You even sent my friend that broke her leg flowers... I do realize I'm the mean one. Check out my last post about punching someone in the throat... I may be the problem in this relationship...

Excuse me as I try not to punch you in the throat

Did I really say that out loud? Was that my outside voice? Did I really say I was going to punch someone in the throat? Well, my inside voice said it, and my fingers typed it.

One of my all time favorite grizzled old friends one day said to me, "we sure lost a lot when we lost a punch in the nose!" I laughed so hard, but I think I get it now.

Recently in a phone conversation, I allowed myself a rare moment of venerability and shared a struggle.. Okay, I'll share it now. I'm struggling waiting. Waiting on our future, waiting on a job, waiting on what God would have for us. I'm struggling with contentment in my present, though I have had great moments of peace and joy in our present circumstance.

Right now feels like a gift with the people HERE I love so much, but I also sense the future sadness of goodbye that sits quietly in the corner of every relationship I have.

So in my moment of venerability... The response... Well, I'll be very ungracious and say... They simply said, "I love to wait." In itself, it's really not bad. I'm really wicked and depraved to want to punch them in the throat. But there you have it, my wicked heart. I held my tongue, kind of. I was a bit snarky, and said, wow, sure wish I loved waiting. I don't have that gift.... But in my mind... Good punch in the throat would do this conversation some good.

Then today I came across this verse... It was from a beautiful parable in Matthew 20, go check it out. But the specific verse that has stuck with me all day was verse 15... "Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me?"

I love it, I belong to Him, He is allowed to do what He chooses with my future. He is good. ALL the time! So, don't worry if you tell me you love to wait for things.. I won't punch you in the throat, I'll try and be gracious.

Friendship and Personal Agony

This Christmas was an amazing time for our family. The snow came in just as we were opening presents, and the snow kept us together for several restful days (church was canceled). We play, we slept, we played some more and we ate.

In planning for Christmas this year, I really agonized over what our presents should be. Usually I plan way in advance, have exactly in mind what I'm going to get each child. Well, this year being a tough one for Jason and I, well, I had no plan. So we decided to send me into black Friday and see what I could find.

Well, it happened that I came up on a guy holding the last two Nintendo ds units that were super cheap. I put them in my bag, walked around the store and agonized. Are we a video game family? Will my kids become consumed? Will they ever speak to me again? Will they be lost behind that little screen?

Well, I made the purchase and came home and talked with my guy. We both had gaming units growing up. Not very cool ones, but we had them. We decided at the end of the day we still get to be the parents, and with all the road trips coming up, it wasn't a bad idea.

So now it's been about a month since Christmas. They play their games, maybe, every other day. Mostly when people come over. Go figure. Only once did I have to have my child take a break from her playing.

Well, recently, a very special friend of our family had a terrible leg break in a sledding accident. As I was talking to her mom, I learned that she was really discouraged. I was making dinner for the family, so I sat the girls down and asked them to consider sharing their new toy, as their friend could not leave her wheelchair and was bored.

Immediately, Harp ran to get hers. She wanted to be the one to share because Ella had already used her Christmas money to buy their friend a present. I was so proud! They both were so generous with their hurting friend.

When we went to deliver the meal Ella was so gentle and loving with her friend. Harp will get to go next week. I love kindness... Love it!

Happy Little Nest

Is there anything better than being warm when it is frigid outside? Hearing your kids create fun out of cars, pillows, and blankets? Cooking up something hot and tasty that bubbles for hours and hours?

I love my baby birds all home in my nest. It makes me excited about our possible plans to homeschool if we move.

Slow Mornings!

I love Saturday mornings and snow days. I love having nothing much to do days. Though I think in the back of my mind I should be cleaning, I'm going to sit and enjoy nothing much. I'll enjoy an extra cup of coffee with my best friend, I watch my kids create fun from nothing, and I'll sit. Sometimes I get up to eat something (well, I do that part a lot).

I love a slow day. Maybe I'll craft something, maybe I'll find the bottom of my laundry room, maybe I'll finish reading Jeremiah, maybe I'll finger paint with the kids. Who knows.. Nothing pressing on my time today. It's the best kind of day.

10 inches of snow, bring it!! You know, I may create some food from the pantry for lunch. Maybe make biscuits with the kids.... Who knows. It's cold outside, but under my quilt, I'm content as content can be! My baby just brought me her Christmas party dress to put on. For her it's a party day.

Amazing Milestone

Harper Joy Sonnet,

Dear sweet second daughter, everyday you bless my heart. I so enjoy your spunk, and quiet friendly ways. You are silly and shy, and you have been so excited about reading for such a long time. I have a little secret... You have been able to read for a long, long time, but your dad and I slowed you down a little to give you a good foundation in phonics. I love how excited you are about reading!

I pray you grow to love reading as much as your daddy and I do. My prayer is that you love God's word and that you make the time in your day to love and learn from the word of God. I pray that the word changes you and deepens you.

Harper, I love you. I love hearing you read. You are a very bright and energetic young lady. It is such a blessing to be your mother. It's an exciting time for you. I love how you are growing in such grace sweet girl.

Mommy

High Calling...the morning routine

Some mornings I fail at the high calling of loving my children well. The first step to doing morning well is me being the first one awake. When I take the time to spend time with Jesus, I am much more on the ready to love my babies well.

This morning as I woke my children to get ready for their days, I observed four very different personalities. One woke kind and motivated to get going. Another woke crying and struggled at every turn. The next, jumped out of bed and started running, eyes not really opened, but running nonetheless. The last woke clingy, needing touch. I can look at the list of my waking children and it is evident which personalities lend themselves to be easier to love. But like I previously stated, as a mom, it's not my calling to love only the lovable. Interesting to that, if the Lord didn't love me in my unlovable state, where the heck would I be. Truly, I have the more difficult kind of personality in the morning myself.

So, how do I speak the gospel into our mornings? How do I bring gentleness to my crier, and love to my clingy child. How do I slow down my rusher, and also, how do I take time to love on the self-starter. I realize writing this, the easiest to love is sometimes the one that goes unloved, as the others are so adept at being needy. Golly, love is complicated.

I have another chance to start the day with my kids tomorrow. May I depend on the grace that is provided...

1.1.11

Happy New Year! I just read Psalm 61. It is my prayer for this year...

Hear my cry, O God,
Listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I,
for you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the enemy.

Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of
your wings!

May I walk near to you in this coming year. May I take refuge in the shelter of Christ.