Hand Holding Love

She grows daily
Her smile brightens
Her teeth are adult

She lives between
Child-like and Lady-like
She is graciously both

Her questions astound
They stump her father
The new Masters of Divinity Grad

She melts my heart
Life is a moment
Then your daughter turns to a lady

But she still holds my hand

Letting go of the baby girl and embracing this beautiful young lady! Child of my heart, young woman of God.

Thankful

For the cold weather that keeps me inside
Flat pillows and a warm bed
Dimples on the back of chubby hands
Little girl that found the wonder of mascara
time spent wrestling
Harper so diminutive and so big

Fresh laundry
Empty boxes
Unexpected channels and seeing American Pickers
Lavendar anything
Ella so tall and still free in her silly girl-ness
The leper that couldn't keep his healing to himself
The 4 friends that carried the mat
Patient love that waits
Hurt that refines

Where have you been?

Where have I been?

Well, I have been buried behind boxes and boxes and boxes. I am still a little buried, but a little less buried. We have moved across town into a house we have owned for several years. The Lord has been gracious to us in this place. Though it is smaller than what we have gotten used to, it feels right. The kids have found joy around every turn. With only a small fraction of their toys, they have found plenty to enjoy.

For instance, one day, I had had enough of the world of boxes. I had found a kite, and off I went, young man in tow. We had a ball. We ran ourselves tired. We saw how high we could get our kite. Then we held hands and walked home.

Yesterday was our first Sunday at a new church. The kids were timid, Lake had been carsick from the curvy drive, but we felt loved and encouraged. You don't realize what you take for granted in the comfort of the everyday. When the communion came to Ella and I, she had a moment of panic, "is it all juice mama?" Umm, we had to stop the smooth process of their every Sunday routine to ask. New muscles, we are all growing new muscles. We are searching for the grace to grow these new muscles, but it's there. I knew it would be.

On our way up the mountain to worship, we were encamped by a cloud on the drive. It made sense to me. Fog. I get fog. I could only see right in front of our car. I felt safe with my guy at the wheel. I noticed the metaphor and I was thankful that nature could relate to me. I could not see the vast, beautiful mountain to my right or my left, I knew it's beauty was there, I had witnessed it before many times, but I could safely see right in front of my face. Once we got to the top, vomit. The journey is cloudy, sometimes makes us nauseous, but it's all grace. I am learning that struggles and suffering are also a part of God's picture of grace. That hard is good too, for us all.

Once we made it to church, we cleaned up our little man as best as we could. He was super stoked to be wearing a pj shirt we found in the back. He turned to his dadddy and said, "this is the best day." He knows grace better than us all. Half way through worship he turned to me, "mommy I'm hungry." Too funny.

I have a lot of growing to do. I know the nearness of the Lord is my good. I know He intended to grow in me this new grace. I trust Him. He is good, ALL THE TIME!

Dinner Conversation

Lake: "Dad, are you a ROCK STAR?"

Jason: "Yeah Lake, I'm a ROCK STAR!"

Lake: "Me too dad, I'm a ROCK STAR!!"

Jason: "Really Lake, I haven't seen you at the meetings?"

I mean, if this kid isn't a ROCK STAR, I don't know who is?

Psalm 73

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I
desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from you
shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is
unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works.

Beautiful Lyrics by Andrew Peterson and Letting Go

Just As I Am

What's that on the ground?
It's what's left of my heart
Somebody named Jesus broke it to pieces
and planted the shards
And they're coming up green
They're coming in bloom
I can hardly believe this is all coming true

Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He showed me the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does

All of my life I've held on to this fear
These thistles and vines ensnare and entwine
What flowers appeared
It's the fear that I'll fall one too many times
It's the fear that His love is no better than mine

Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does

Well it's time now to harvest what little that grew
This man they call Jesus, who planted the seeds
Has come for the fruit
And the best that I've got isn't nearly enough
He's glad for the crop, but it's me that He loves.

Letting go:

Today I'm letting go the idea of my future. Letting go my tomorrow, and embracing today. Today, the letting go hurts. I named my daughter for a place I love, will always love, but have to walk away from. Letting go of my idea of my life and letting a God with an infinite imagination dream much bigger than I ever could.

Thankful for what was, sad for what is, looking to what will soon be. You will meet me in the unknown Jesus. Of that I am certain, and I am not certain of much.

Gun Cabinets and Friendship

A friend is a friend that will help you with a hard task. I had two such special ladies come by my house today and help me pack up my kitchen. It has started, we are getting our ducks in a row to move out. This house has been such a lovely blessing to our family. I'm sad in a way, but also excited about the next chapter for our family.

Packing box after box, I realize my over abundance of dishes. I have found myself sentimental in the dish department. I have lovely dishes from my grandmother. They are simple, chipped, and perfect. I use them when I entertain a large group, but they often sit in the cabinet that was once in the red kitchen of my sweet grandmother.

The cabinet is a story in itself. My grandfather had an extensive gun collection. My grandmother had an extensive record collection. When they were robbed, my grandmother had the gun cabinet turned into a cabinet for her crystal. It now holds the beautiful dishes I'm sure she scored at a yard sale.

Though many houses where I now live sport a gun cabinet, few I know are filled with dishes.

Rainy Day Fun Day

We are in the middle of our missions conference. I always look forward to hearing what the Lord is doing around the world. We have had the privilege of hearing Dr. Pratt speak. Last night he gave such a wonderful challenge to our family. To Jason and I, specifically, the challenge was to step out in faith and trust God.

It's a wonderful challenge, necessary, but hard to live. At the end of this month, Jason is leaving his current position, we are moving across town, and we are entering the unknown. It's exciting and scary. It is causing me to grow in my trust for our future.

My control and fear are being exposed. Facing the unknown a little beat up and tired shows you where you have let down your guards. Choosing faith and trust now instead of fear and control will be a daily challenge. One that, I pray, will deepen my dependence on Jesus for my life.

Is stress unbelief?

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp"The fear is suffocating, terrorizing, and I want the remedy, and it is trust. Trust is everything. If fear keeps our lives small, does a life that receives all of God in this moment grow large too?"

There are books that are amazing in their content and their timeliness. This beautiful book has been both. More than that, each chapter has, each day, given me the strength to see that day for the joy exists within it.

Today, this book caused me grief. The grief that I long for in my mundane. The teller of the story uses her journey to strengthen me for mine. And the only strength I have is in my repentance of sin and dependence on Christ.

The chapter today equated stress to lack of faith. Lack of trust in Christ being directly correlated to stress in your life. An unrelenting of control and desire to hold tightly to a hurt, a burden, a fear.

Today the shower of forgiveness and grace was just what I needed. I needed her experience of lacking faith to gently point our my own lack of faith. I have a long way to go, but having light shine in the darkness is life giving refreshment to my aching, fearful, stress ridden bones. The joy of trust, faith, Christ Himself, can now enter into the exposed and repented of sin. Praise be. May I so enjoy the freedom of forgiveness and Christ that I flee from picking up control and stress.

Thank you Ann Voskamp, you have no idea how your transparency has freed this sinner today!

Ode to Today

Ode to my oldest
tallish and strong
perfect height to hug my middle tight
tender and loving
unkindness confuses
loudest laugh in the house
junkie of fun and now

Ode to number two
silly faced picture taker
Full of quiet smiles
tight muscles and elbows
keeper of the tally
sharp and knowing
memory for the family
creative and quiet
diminutive and life giving

Ode to the boy
pronoun confused
player of work
protector of my snuggles
feircest in loving
quick to defend
keeper of dimples on your knuckles
your daddy without pain

Ode to my baby
head full of cowlicks
toothy grin
lover of my V neck shirt
content among many
tough but tender
lover of the sisterhood
needy of the brother
sweet baby for us all

Friend Test

Mark 2

Many were gathered together, so that there was no more room, not even at the door. And he was preaching the word to them. And they came, bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men. And when they could not get near him because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him, and when they had made an opening, they let down the bed on which the paralytic lay. And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

I read this part of scripture in utter amazement. I love these men. First, I love that they had not discarded the paralytic man, they loved him. They loved him very much. They also knew the power of Jesus. They knew he could heal their hurting friend, with this great effort they were asking Jesus, would you please heal him.

After reading this today, I turned to Jason and asked, do I have these friends? Then I had to ask, am I this friend? Am I someone that knows the unbelievable power, grace and love of Christ to heal, that I would inconvenience myself, work hard, and bring my friend, by whatever means, in the presence of Jesus. The only healer of our souls? I know He can do it, but do I bring the hurting, broken and friendless before Him, and ask, will you please?

I'm the friend that will keep your kids, cook you a meal, tell you if you have lipstick on your teeth, but I want to be this friend. This friend that will bring the truth of Jesus, that will be creative in bringing you to him. The one that will give the loudest cheer when you stand up from your broken, paralytic state when the healer has done His best. I want to be the loudest one rejoicing. It is something great to strive for today! Join me!!