Oh, what a failure I am. Morning by morning new sins I enjoy. Morning by morning new ugly I see. Morning by morning....new Miss Nasty awakes. Okay, so it's Morning by morning new mercies I see. But I don't see them. I don't look for them. I get woken before 6a.m. and the depraved, ugly side of me rears it's head to my husband.
I'm embarrassed to say how badly I acted this morning toward Jason before he left for his very important final licensure test. I can write about it now because I have repented, my husband has forgiven me, and I am now holding myself accountable by sharing my ugly to my tens and tens of readers.
Jason was in a flurry of getting ready for the men's retreat, his final tests before presbytery, and his Friday morning Bible study. He hates getting ready in the morning without wearing shoes. We have hardwood floors. You get the picture. All I could lay there and think when I heard him busily getting ready, was not... get out of bed and help. Not.... make him a cup of coffee Not... get out of bed to pray with him. It was simply the selfish, angry, when are those loud shoes going to wake up Lake? And, doesn't he know I'm going to be here alone with the kids for two days?
You can imagine what happened. Lake awake....5:45a.m., mom mad, Jason stressed and wanting kindness....not a pretty picture, ey.
I called my good friend and confessed. She was great! She stopped me, prayed for Jason's difficult day, and we laughed a bit over my bad, embarrassing behavior. But, she made no excuses for it. Thank you Autumn. I then got off the phone, called and repented to my husband. Who, thankfully, forgave me.
I hate these lost opportunities to love our husbands well. They can be loud and goofy, but we are quiet and grumpy. I hate how I behaved, and want to better next time. Just because it's early and more difficult for me to be kind does not give me an excuse to forsake the high calling of "love is kind." It's in those difficult moments that love really counts, not when it is easy.
So, I blew it today, I pray that tomorrow when I wake up without the help of my husband, my heart will be kind to my household. Pray for me. I hope you have had victories of kindness today.
4 comments:
Isn't it funny how easy it is to be unkind and so very hard to be kind.
Thank God for Grace, Grace, and more Grace.
True that sister! I wish it were funny. It looks funny on paper, but your poor brother...not so funny for him.
Grace is so so so my favorite. I'm so glad He isn't finished with us yet? What a waste of time...grumpy. Wish I could beat it.
What a great friend! I am so thankful she is there for you. So often it is hard to be honest with people about our marriges instead of Grace and accountability we get: judgement, gossip, told to go to counseling or blame placed where it doesnt belong. (as in how dare he want you to wait on him! you are sick and pregnant! he can get his own coffee....) thats not what you needed :) It is soo much easier to be unkind esp when you arent feeling well. That isnt an excuse, because we can always find an excuse but in our eharts we KNOW better.
I wish sometimes that I could be omnipresent...I WANT to serve my family but sometimes it feels like there are so many of them ( I am ver blessed) and I react by being unkind and feeling guilty twice.
Thank you for confessing to us and for the conviction and reality it brought.
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