Treasured

Last night I snuck out to get a few provisions to make a friend a meal. As I was walking through the store, I saw the most beautiful sight. I saw this big huge guy carrying this little baby girl. It wasn't even so much that he was carrying a baby, but how he was carrying her. It was clear the daddy treasured his baby girl. The little girl, all decked out in pink, was sitting in the palm of his hands facing out in a sitting position.

Next to the proud father was an equally proud mama. Their love for their baby was delicious. I felt like a stalker. It seemed that everyone knew them, or maybe it was just that they introduced their baby to everyone. Their was something in that daddy that just melted my heart. His tenderness and pride made him seem seven feet tall to me. I couldn't stop staring. I couldn't stop following them.

I sometimes see pictures like this and feel sad, but last night I felt so grateful. Though I may long for a nearer relationship of tenderness, kindness and love to my father; I have a Father in heaven that certainly does. He walks with me in the palm of His hand, and with great pride says, "she's mine."

It's a good place to be, in the palm of my Fathers hand. May I rest secure there, just as secure as that sweet baby in pink rested. She sat tall in the hands of her father. She knew she could trust him. Why spend a wasted moment in worry when such a good Daddy has me so near to His heart?

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, Excerpt

I just read this chapter to this beautiful book. Not only does Ann write beautifully, she writes very honestly. I cried through most of this chapter, and yet felt so thankful for her story and perspective. Take the time... You won't regret it!

Ambition

Today was the best day ever! Fire, bike riding and pb&j! We soaked up some much needed vitamin D! We played, I read my Bible, the girls played house in the backyard. It was fantastic.

At one point I looked over at my son. He walked up to a huge oak tree and wrapped his arms around it. I could tell he was considering how to climb the tree. It is a huge one, and it's lowest limbs were way out of reach. But the ambition and ability to think he could do it was a sight to see. I wish I had such gumption. Every time I face any kind of trial, I back down, melt down, struggle and fret. I have lost some of what was once fearless in me. Seeing his little arms wrapped around that tree, I realized something about age has been lost on me. I was once invincible. Maybe someday I will be again.

Helpless in Loving

There are moments in life where praying feels like such a comfort, but I struggle with thinking it's enough at times. I just had a call from a family member to tell me of a close family member that has been admitted to the hospital.

I love prayer, I believe in it, and depend deeply on it, but right now, I'm struggling wanting more. I want to be close enough to run up to the hospital, which is, oh, a quick eight hours away. Ugh. I love prayer, but I want prayer and a chat with the on-call doctor and to look in the eyes of the one I love.

I love prayer, I love it, but I tend to be so much more a doer in my faith. This is a great muscle for me to flex, but my love in action is struggling with wanting to load up my car.

Please pray with me, someone I love is in the hospital with heart pain.

Character

On my way to pick up the girls from school, I listened to the entire "I Have a Dream" speech by Martin Luther King on NPR. By the time I made it to the school, I was a weeping mess. The words were cutting, true, and in so many ways, he speaks of realities and dreams that are unmet.

When it came to the part where he talks about the dreams for his four little children to be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin, I just hurt, grieved, and longed for that dream for my children.

But as I mopped today, I realized, I don't live that way. I was mopping, thinking, I'm a good wife when I mop. Cleaning a toilette, and thinking somehow I have done well. But what of my character? Do I judge myself by the content of my character or do I look at arbitrary outward acts to find meaning?

How to I speak such a truth into the life of a small child? How do I develop character of behaviour? How do I champion integrity over performance? How do I encourage real depth of character over being seen as having character? Authentic living, it's hard. It's harder than having clean floors. For me it is anyway.

Library

I must confess, I have a love hate relationship with our library. Seriously, maybe even a hate hate relationship with it. But I have to include love, because I LOVE books. So it's a building full of the things I most love in this world, but have serious angst when entering it.

This story starts a long way back, in way way back time. It seemed to me that the people of this place had no interest in sharing their books. They dissappointed me when I moved to town and they didn't have every Pulitzer winning book. My snobbery knew no bounds. Seriously, a friend of mine and I were working our way through the list in my previous town.. Ended that endeavor.

It seemed that they didn't get the momentous occasion of my daughter being old enough for a library card. Like it was just boring old business. No matter, I have more energy for enthusiam than a theme park.

I always thought myself very generous in accruing late fees to add to their coffers. They didn't see it that way. I didn't much like them; they didn't much like me.

Until recently, they went and hired on a person who is friendly and patient. She knows my children by name and commpliments my book basket every time I go. She even reads the books and shares her favorite titles with me. She smiles. She sees me in the grocery store and speaks to me. So my hate/ hate problem is simply that. My problem. Because right now, I have a great book, a hot cup of tea, two children napping, and don't judge me, chili cheese fritos. Crazy combo, but I'm so happy.

So library people that don't like me much, I forgive you. I'll forgive you even more if this book turns out to be as good as it seems. I may even pay you a visit again real soon. You even sent my friend that broke her leg flowers... I do realize I'm the mean one. Check out my last post about punching someone in the throat... I may be the problem in this relationship...

Excuse me as I try not to punch you in the throat

Did I really say that out loud? Was that my outside voice? Did I really say I was going to punch someone in the throat? Well, my inside voice said it, and my fingers typed it.

One of my all time favorite grizzled old friends one day said to me, "we sure lost a lot when we lost a punch in the nose!" I laughed so hard, but I think I get it now.

Recently in a phone conversation, I allowed myself a rare moment of venerability and shared a struggle.. Okay, I'll share it now. I'm struggling waiting. Waiting on our future, waiting on a job, waiting on what God would have for us. I'm struggling with contentment in my present, though I have had great moments of peace and joy in our present circumstance.

Right now feels like a gift with the people HERE I love so much, but I also sense the future sadness of goodbye that sits quietly in the corner of every relationship I have.

So in my moment of venerability... The response... Well, I'll be very ungracious and say... They simply said, "I love to wait." In itself, it's really not bad. I'm really wicked and depraved to want to punch them in the throat. But there you have it, my wicked heart. I held my tongue, kind of. I was a bit snarky, and said, wow, sure wish I loved waiting. I don't have that gift.... But in my mind... Good punch in the throat would do this conversation some good.

Then today I came across this verse... It was from a beautiful parable in Matthew 20, go check it out. But the specific verse that has stuck with me all day was verse 15... "Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me?"

I love it, I belong to Him, He is allowed to do what He chooses with my future. He is good. ALL the time! So, don't worry if you tell me you love to wait for things.. I won't punch you in the throat, I'll try and be gracious.