Did I really say that out loud? Was that my outside voice? Did I really say I was going to punch someone in the throat? Well, my inside voice said it, and my fingers typed it.
One of my all time favorite grizzled old friends one day said to me, "we sure lost a lot when we lost a punch in the nose!" I laughed so hard, but I think I get it now.
Recently in a phone conversation, I allowed myself a rare moment of venerability and shared a struggle.. Okay, I'll share it now. I'm struggling waiting. Waiting on our future, waiting on a job, waiting on what God would have for us. I'm struggling with contentment in my present, though I have had great moments of peace and joy in our present circumstance.
Right now feels like a gift with the people HERE I love so much, but I also sense the future sadness of goodbye that sits quietly in the corner of every relationship I have.
So in my moment of venerability... The response... Well, I'll be very ungracious and say... They simply said, "I love to wait." In itself, it's really not bad. I'm really wicked and depraved to want to punch them in the throat. But there you have it, my wicked heart. I held my tongue, kind of. I was a bit snarky, and said, wow, sure wish I loved waiting. I don't have that gift.... But in my mind... Good punch in the throat would do this conversation some good.
Then today I came across this verse... It was from a beautiful parable in Matthew 20, go check it out. But the specific verse that has stuck with me all day was verse 15... "Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me?"
I love it, I belong to Him, He is allowed to do what He chooses with my future. He is good. ALL the time! So, don't worry if you tell me you love to wait for things.. I won't punch you in the throat, I'll try and be gracious.
1 comment:
I think we both share the feeling of being unsettled, not easily being content in the "now" and looking ahead to the next chapter. I believe this to be one of my biggest struggles. I have spent too much time being closed off, not willing to put myself out there...all because I sometimes feel like it's a mute point. Why start and nurture friendships and relationships when my time at any given place is limited. I've recently decided to try and live in the now...enjoy each day, make new friends, and try not to write our next chapter before this one is finished. Thanks for your continued inspiration.
C
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