Hand Holding Love

She grows daily
Her smile brightens
Her teeth are adult

She lives between
Child-like and Lady-like
She is graciously both

Her questions astound
They stump her father
The new Masters of Divinity Grad

She melts my heart
Life is a moment
Then your daughter turns to a lady

But she still holds my hand

Letting go of the baby girl and embracing this beautiful young lady! Child of my heart, young woman of God.

Thankful

For the cold weather that keeps me inside
Flat pillows and a warm bed
Dimples on the back of chubby hands
Little girl that found the wonder of mascara
time spent wrestling
Harper so diminutive and so big

Fresh laundry
Empty boxes
Unexpected channels and seeing American Pickers
Lavendar anything
Ella so tall and still free in her silly girl-ness
The leper that couldn't keep his healing to himself
The 4 friends that carried the mat
Patient love that waits
Hurt that refines

Where have you been?

Where have I been?

Well, I have been buried behind boxes and boxes and boxes. I am still a little buried, but a little less buried. We have moved across town into a house we have owned for several years. The Lord has been gracious to us in this place. Though it is smaller than what we have gotten used to, it feels right. The kids have found joy around every turn. With only a small fraction of their toys, they have found plenty to enjoy.

For instance, one day, I had had enough of the world of boxes. I had found a kite, and off I went, young man in tow. We had a ball. We ran ourselves tired. We saw how high we could get our kite. Then we held hands and walked home.

Yesterday was our first Sunday at a new church. The kids were timid, Lake had been carsick from the curvy drive, but we felt loved and encouraged. You don't realize what you take for granted in the comfort of the everyday. When the communion came to Ella and I, she had a moment of panic, "is it all juice mama?" Umm, we had to stop the smooth process of their every Sunday routine to ask. New muscles, we are all growing new muscles. We are searching for the grace to grow these new muscles, but it's there. I knew it would be.

On our way up the mountain to worship, we were encamped by a cloud on the drive. It made sense to me. Fog. I get fog. I could only see right in front of our car. I felt safe with my guy at the wheel. I noticed the metaphor and I was thankful that nature could relate to me. I could not see the vast, beautiful mountain to my right or my left, I knew it's beauty was there, I had witnessed it before many times, but I could safely see right in front of my face. Once we got to the top, vomit. The journey is cloudy, sometimes makes us nauseous, but it's all grace. I am learning that struggles and suffering are also a part of God's picture of grace. That hard is good too, for us all.

Once we made it to church, we cleaned up our little man as best as we could. He was super stoked to be wearing a pj shirt we found in the back. He turned to his dadddy and said, "this is the best day." He knows grace better than us all. Half way through worship he turned to me, "mommy I'm hungry." Too funny.

I have a lot of growing to do. I know the nearness of the Lord is my good. I know He intended to grow in me this new grace. I trust Him. He is good, ALL THE TIME!

Dinner Conversation

Lake: "Dad, are you a ROCK STAR?"

Jason: "Yeah Lake, I'm a ROCK STAR!"

Lake: "Me too dad, I'm a ROCK STAR!!"

Jason: "Really Lake, I haven't seen you at the meetings?"

I mean, if this kid isn't a ROCK STAR, I don't know who is?

Psalm 73

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I
desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from you
shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is
unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works.

Beautiful Lyrics by Andrew Peterson and Letting Go

Just As I Am

What's that on the ground?
It's what's left of my heart
Somebody named Jesus broke it to pieces
and planted the shards
And they're coming up green
They're coming in bloom
I can hardly believe this is all coming true

Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He showed me the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does

All of my life I've held on to this fear
These thistles and vines ensnare and entwine
What flowers appeared
It's the fear that I'll fall one too many times
It's the fear that His love is no better than mine

Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does

Well it's time now to harvest what little that grew
This man they call Jesus, who planted the seeds
Has come for the fruit
And the best that I've got isn't nearly enough
He's glad for the crop, but it's me that He loves.

Letting go:

Today I'm letting go the idea of my future. Letting go my tomorrow, and embracing today. Today, the letting go hurts. I named my daughter for a place I love, will always love, but have to walk away from. Letting go of my idea of my life and letting a God with an infinite imagination dream much bigger than I ever could.

Thankful for what was, sad for what is, looking to what will soon be. You will meet me in the unknown Jesus. Of that I am certain, and I am not certain of much.

Gun Cabinets and Friendship

A friend is a friend that will help you with a hard task. I had two such special ladies come by my house today and help me pack up my kitchen. It has started, we are getting our ducks in a row to move out. This house has been such a lovely blessing to our family. I'm sad in a way, but also excited about the next chapter for our family.

Packing box after box, I realize my over abundance of dishes. I have found myself sentimental in the dish department. I have lovely dishes from my grandmother. They are simple, chipped, and perfect. I use them when I entertain a large group, but they often sit in the cabinet that was once in the red kitchen of my sweet grandmother.

The cabinet is a story in itself. My grandfather had an extensive gun collection. My grandmother had an extensive record collection. When they were robbed, my grandmother had the gun cabinet turned into a cabinet for her crystal. It now holds the beautiful dishes I'm sure she scored at a yard sale.

Though many houses where I now live sport a gun cabinet, few I know are filled with dishes.